Brad, you play basketball. I’m not kidding,
you play basketball. You were actually in the
celebrity all-star game, right? I did. Here’s Brad D-ing up on a guy. Nice. It’s not Photoshop. No, that was the game.
I am a lockdown defender. I don’t know why I played
in the celebrity game, I think they just thought
I was Dinklage. Here was the craziest part
about that basketball game. A, it was the most fun
I’ve ever had in my entire life. It was insane. I loved it. Thank you, NBA, for allowing me
to play basketball. Here was the thing, though. The team that I played on
had Ray Allen on it. Ray Allen. It also had Hasan Minhaj on it,
Hasan, great comedian, awesome. So we were losing the game
and all of the sudden we’re making a comeback. We made a great comeback,
we’re getting there, and we’re down by two, we need
a three-pointer to win the game. Hasan steals the ball. Holy shit,
we’re going to do this. Hasan, kick it out to Ray Allen. No. Hasan took the three.
Ray Allen was on … He’s only statistically
the greatest three-point shooter in NBA history. It’s not that it’s like
he’s pretty good. No, statistically greatest three
-point shooter in NBA history. It’s not like he was the
greatest dunker and now he’s 72 and maybe doesn’t have
the hops anymore. He still has the shot. And Hasan goes, “No, I got this.
Have you seen my Netflix show? I’m going to do 25 minutes
on this shot with graphics.” I get it, Hasan.
You have perfect hair. That doesn’t mean
you have a perfect J. Pass the ball
to fucking Ray Allen. Good God. Sorry.
I’m not still bitter about it. I’m not still bitter
about it at all. Michael Jordan has a new line of
premium tequila called Sin Coro. How do you not get Shaq involved
and call it Shaquila? So good. I don’t know why
they’re doing that. Some people I would figure
have enough money. Also that tequila
is probably more expensive than season tickets to Michael
Jordan’s basketball team, because they are not good.
They’re not. You’d think that Jordan
would have a great team. No.
Whether it’s him as the GM, whether it’s Elway GM-ing
the Broncos, whether it’s Magic Johnson
coaching the Lakers, when you get the legends
to work for the team it doesn’t go well, people.
Stop doing it. When Tom Brady takes over
the Patriots, everyone’s going to be like, “It’s going to be
the greatest team of all time.” No, it won’t.
No, it won’t. Unless they’re whipping up
an avocado ice cream recipe, that’s it. That’s it.
That’s the only thing. The only thing I’ll listen
to Tom Brady about is how to leave
a pregnant supermodel for another supermodel. I’ll listen to him,
he’s an expert at that. He’s got that down. So he’s the only one
who’s actually pulled that off and no one’s gotten mad at him,
no one brings that up. Except now. I’m coming for you, Brady.
I’m coming for you. No, I’m not.
He’s Tom Brady, he’s the GOAT, he doesn’t know who I am.