Covetton House Introduces: “Covetton Yurt”

Covetton House Introduces: “Covetton Yurt”


( LAUGHTER )
EVERYONE KNOWS I LOVE CELEBRITY LIFESTYLE BRAND GOOP, AND
GWYNETH PALTROW, THE WELLNESSMONGER FAMOUS FOR HER
$66 JADE VAGINA EGGS, “STICKERS THAT PROMOTE HEALING” FOR $120,
AND THIS $435 ANTI-AGING MASK MEANT TO REDUCE WRINKLES AND
APPROPRIATE FOR MOST ORGIES. THEIR LATEST PRODUCT TAKING THE
INTERNET BY STORM IS A CANDLE ENTITLED “THIS SMELLS LIKE MY
VAGINA.” OKAY. I HAVE QUESTIONS. AND I’M NOT SURE HOW TO ASK ANY
OF THEM, BUT LET’S START WITH “WHOSE?”
( LAUGHTER ) GWYNETH’S? BECAUSE I’LL BUY THE EGG, BUT I
JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. THIS IS THE MOST TALKED-ABOUT
ITEM PUT OUT BY AN OSCAR WINNER SINCE JACK LEMMON’S “THIS AIR
FRESHENER LOOKS LIKE MY PENIS”. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, JACK LEMMON! IRONICALLY NOT LEMON SCENTED. ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) NATURALLY, THIS THING COST, $75
AND WAS IMMEDIATELY SOLD OUT. ( LAUGHTER )
UNTIL THEY RE-STOCK, YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE FOR “THIS CANDLE
SMELLS LIKE A PINE TREE’S ASS.” ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THAT’S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT GOOPETH! SHE’S ALWAYS THINKING, ALWAYS
MOVING, NEVER SITTING STILL. PARTLY BECAUSE SITTING IS TOUGH
WITH THAT MANY PRODUCTS IN THE OL’ GOOP CHUTE. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S WHY NETFLIX JUST ANNOUNCED A GOOPY NEW TV SHOW,
TWEETING, “GWYNETH PALTROW WELCOMES YOU TO THE GOOP LAB!”
I DON’T GET WHAT SHE’S DOING INSIDE THOSE CONCENTRIC
CROSS-SECTIONS OF A FOOTBALL. ( LAUGHTER )
THE NEW SHOW EXPLORES EVERYTHING THAT’S TOO CRAZY FOR THE
INTERNET.>>WHAT HAPPENS IN A WORKSHOP?”
>>EVERYONE GETS OFF.>>WHAT THE (BLEEP) ARE YOU
DOING TO PEOPLE?>>WHAT WE TRY TO DO AT GOOP IS
EXPLORE IDEAS THAT MAY SEEM OUT THERE OR– TOO SCARY.>>STEPHEN: NOTHING SCARY ABOUT
A THOUSAND PINS IN YOUR FACE. I SAW IT YEARS AGO IN THAT
POPULAR WELLNESS DOCUMENTARY “HELLRAISER.” ( LAUGHTER )
“WELCOME TO THE PIT OF ENDLESS TORMENT. HELP YOURSELF TO SOME CUCUMBER
WATER.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
“THE GOOP LAB” WILL INTRODUCE US TO THE MOST GROUNDBREAKING
SCIENTIF-ISH WELLNESS TECHNIQUES.>>I… HAD AN EXORCISM.>>OH, WOOOOOW.>>I WENT THROUGH YEARS OF
THERAPY IN ABOUT FIVE HOURS. I STARTED TO FEEL, LIKE A PANIC
ATTACK COMING ON. SHE KNEW SOMETHING THAT MY
HUSBAND DIDN’T EVEN KNOW.>>YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE
VULVA.>>Stephen: OKAY —
( LAUGHTER ) — FOR THE RECORD, THAT’S NOT
WELLNESS THERAPY. SHE’S MAKING CANDLES. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>Jon: OH, AAAHHH! AAAHHH! AAAHHH! AAAHHH! ( PIANO RIFF )
>>Stephen: POINT IS, GOOP LAB PROMISES ONE THING —
>>THIS IS DANGEROUS.>>IT’S UNREGULATED.>>SHOULD I BE SCARED? WE’RE HERE ONE TIME, ONE LIFE,
HOW CAN WE REALLY MILK THE (BLEEP) OUT OF THIS?”
>>STEPHEN: NOW, IF YOU CYNICS THINK “THE GOOP LAB” IS A CASH
GRAB THAT EXPLOITS PEOPLE’S FEAR OF AGING AND SACRIFICES THEIR
SAFETY TO PEDDLE PSEUDO-SCIENTIFIC, NEW-AGEY
GARBAGE… WELL-SPOTTED. ( LAUGHTER )
AND DADDY WANTS IN!>>Jon: HA HA! OH, MY! ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT’S WHERE MY OWN HIGH-END
LIFESTYLE BRAND, COVETTON HOUSE, COMES IN. WE’RE LAUNCHING A NEW TELEVISION
SHOW CALLED “COVETTON YURT.” ( LAUGHTER )
( CALMING MUSIC )>>BAROQUE SIMPLICITY, SHABBY
ELEGANCE, GIVE ME MONEY. COVETTON HOUSE.>>Stephen: NAMASTE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME TO “COVETTON YURT.” IN THE YURT, WE EXPLORE IDEAS
THAT ARE TOO “OUT THERE” OR “TOO SCARY” FOR SCIENCE. ARE YOU DANGEROUS ENOUGH TO FIND
OUT IF THIS $8,000 BOTTLE OF UNPASTEURIZED GIRAFFE MILK
WILL ALLEVIATE YOUR ANXIETY? WE’VE ONLY GOT ONE GIRAFFE. LET’S MILK THE (BLEEP) OUT OF
HER. ( LAUGHTER )
AND IS THIS MAN A PSYCHIC WHO CAN SUMMON AN INCUBUS TO
STIMULATE YOUR G-SPOT, OR IS HE A VAGRANT I CAUGHT STEALING MY
MAIL AND GAVE HIM A SANDWICH TO POSE FOR THIS PHOTO? THE ANSWER IS IN THE YURT. AND SO IS HE. HE REALLY NEEDS A PLACE TO
CRASH. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOE
SCARBOROUGH AND MIKA BRZEZINSKI!

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