-Well, you guys, it is just
six more days until Christmas. That’s right. I saw one of the biggest-selling
toys this year are L.O.L. Surprise! dolls. L.O.L. Surprise!
is very popular, mostly because that’s what
Nancy Pelosi said right before
she impeached Trump. It’s like, “L.O.L.! Surprise!” That’s right — the big story
is that President Trump was impeached last night. And the vote on the
first article of impeachment was 230-197. Yeah, which was basically
Trump’s blood pressure throughout the entire day. I saw that when last night’s
vote was official, someone in Congress clapped. And Nancy Pelosi
was not having it. Check out her expression when
she heard clapping. Yeah. That’s a high-school teacher
who said “phones off” and then heard… [ Ding ] Not having it. Of course,
Trump’s been all over Twitter. He even posted one Congressman’s impeachment ballot that said,
“Hell no.” Then Nancy Pelosi posted her
ballot that said, “Yas, Queen.” And in the middle of all
the drama yesterday, Trump sent members of Congress
a Christmas card. This is real. He sent members of Congress
a Christmas card that included a copy of
a six-page letter ranting about the impeachment
that he sent to Nancy Pelosi. This is real. Take a look. Wow! That’s like sending your family
Christmas letter with a transcript of your
argument from Thanksgiving. It’s like, “Oh, my gosh.
I think I had a point. I think I had a point
I had a couple drinks, but…” But this was nice. Along with The White House
Christmas cards, Trump included a note just for
the Democrats that said, “In lieu of a gift,
a generous donation of your personal information has
been made to Vladimir Putin.” That was very thoughtful.
-Sweet. Sweet of him. -But, today, Mitch McConnell
and Chuck Schumer met to discuss the rules of
the impeachment trial. They also held
a friendly competition over what could hang lower — McConnell’s neck or
Schumer’s glasses. I don’t know. Meanwhile, at the same time as
the impeachment vote, Trump held a rally in Michigan, and he spent some time talking
about Pete Buttigieg. But he couldn’t stop
pronouncing his name. This is real.
We did a mash cut of this. Check it out. This is real. -Who wants to watch
Butte-edge-edge! Butte-edge-edge is leading.
Buttigieg. Boot-edge-edge. Edge-edge. Butte-edge-edge! -What? What is going on? -He sounds like a little kid
yelling a dirty word that he just learned. He’s like, “Poopy head, poopy
head, poopy head!” Earlier tonight, the sixth
Democratic debate was on PBS. And this is cool. Since it was on PBS, an expert
from “Antiques Roadshow” came out and appraised
Bernie Sanders. And there were just seven
candidates onstage tonight, so a lot of people are calling
the debate intimate. People call the debate small because there were just
seven people onstage. Then RadioShack was like, “Hey,
seven people is a lot people.” Some entertainment news. The movie “Cats”
is about to hit theaters. I’m excited for it,
’cause it’s the only movie where shining a laser pointer
at the screen makes all the characters
go crazy. Alright, here’s some good news. A 91-year-old grandpa
in Minnesota graduated from high school
earlier this month. 91, graduated high school,
after dropping out more than 70 years ago
to save his family’s farm. It’s an incredible story. So we actually
reached out to him, and he agreed to video-chat
with us today. Cliff, are you there?
-Yeah. What’s up? -What does it feel like to
graduate high school? -Who cares?
You’re not even my real dad. -I was just asking a question. -Well, I have a question. Why are you so stupid? -Cliff, you’re being very
disrespectful. I thought your story was cool,
so I wanted to speak with you. -Well, I have
three words for you. Bite my ass. -Alright, I’m going to have to
end this interview, alright? ‘Cause we’re
a family show, okay? -Well, good. More time for me
to play “Fortnite.” Peace out, dickhead. -Alright. Thank you.
Thank you very much, Cliff. Thank you. Alright, hey, come on. Get him off the screen.
-He just graduated high school? -Where is he
video-chatting from? It’s crazy. -He gave you the middle finger.
-He’s still there. Get him off! Come on, man. Come on, Cliff.
-That’s insane. -Chill out. Cliff, stop.
Come on. -Again! -Set the feed off.
Finally — Where is Cliff? Hey, Cliff —
Cliff, are you — Wait. Wait. No, no, no, no, no.
Higgins is there. Higgins is there! Alright.
You were there, as well? -I was visiting Cliff earlier. -And, finally, you guys, there’s
a lot going on in the news, but, right now, instead of me
just telling you about it, I thought it would be nice
to give you a chance to decide what we talk about. That’s right — it’s time for
“You Pick the Joke.” Here we go.
-♪ “You Pick the Joke” ♪ [ Laughs ]
♪ “You Pick the Joke” ♪ -Alright, here’s how it works. I’m going to show you
two news stories. Then you guys get to pick which
one we talk about. Okay? Here we go. Let’s take a look at
story number one. -Ford Motor Company announcing
that it will add 3,000 new jobs in metro Detroit factories to
ramp up car production. -Okay. Now here’s
story number two. -We got a Florida guy
that’s in trouble after he told police the wind blew a bag of cocaine
into his car. -Which story? One?
[ Indistinct shouting ] Two? Okay. Alright.
Good choice. That’s right — a guy claimed
that the wind blew some cocaine into his car. “The answer, my little friend,
is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing
in the wind.” [ Imitates gunfire ] Let’s do another pair
of stories. Once again,
you guys get to pick. Okay, here’s story number one. -China has scrapped a new round
of tariffs on U.S. goods. The two countries are pulling
back from a trade war that has rocked global markets. -Okay. Now here’s story…
[ Laughter ] I mean, they’re even cutting
the end of it off. -Yeah.
-You can’t even hear it. Well, let’s give it —
Here’s story number two. -An Alaskan dentist is
in court after video came out of him pulling out a patient’s
tooth while riding a hoverboard. [ Indistinct shouting ] -Two? Alright, two?
Alright, very good. Two. That’s right — a dentist was
riding a hoverboard during a tooth removal. It could have been worse.
Here’s the guy’s proctologist. Guys, that was
“You Pick the Joke.” We have a great show.