The Kind of Story We Need Right Now: 82-year-old Bodybuilder Beat up Burglar

The Kind of Story We Need Right Now: 82-year-old Bodybuilder Beat up Burglar


-I am going to tell you a story about a bodybuilder
in Rochester, New York, named Willie Murphy. A burglar broke
in to Willie’s house recently and Willie beat him up. Alright, fine. That’s what you would expect
a bodybuilder to do. But what if I told you
Willie Murphy is 82 years old? [ Cheering ]
And what if I told you Willie Murphy is a woman? [ Cheering ]
And what if I told you
this brings us to a segment called “The Kind of Story
We Need Right Now”? [ Bright theme plays ]
[ Cheering and applause ] This is Willie Murphy. [ Cheering intensifies ] [ Applause ] She was about to go
to bed one night when a man started pounding
on her front door, demanding to be let in,
so she called 911. But while she was waiting
for the police to arrive, he broke down her door
and barged in. What the man
didn’t realize, though, is that Willie Murphy works out. You’re probably thinkin’,
“Oh, that’s cute. She does water aerobics.” [ Laughter ]
[chuckling] No, son. Willie Murphy lifts weights
every day at the YMCA and she can deadlift 225 pounds. [ Cheering and applause ] 225 pounds! That’s me holding a microwave. [ Laughter and applause ] According to USA Today,
Willie can do one-handed pull-ups, one-handed push-ups, fingertip push-ups, [ Cheering ]
and the push-ups where you put your fingers
in a diamond formation and press your nose
all the way to the floor. You know what they call
those kinda push-ups? The burglar’s nightmare. [ Laughter, cheering,
and applause ] So how was she feeling as this burglar was prowling
around her house? -It’s kinda semi dark and I’m alone and I’m old. But guess what.
I’m tough. [ Cheering and applause ]
And you wanna know
what happened? He picked the wrong house
to break into. -This is the kind of story
we need right now. [ Cheering and applause ] 100%. [ Whistling ]
Most news stories make me
wanna jump off a bridge. This story makes me wanna
jump onto a bridge. Or whatever bull[bleep]
they do at Crossfit. [ Laughter ]
So, Willie — Willie’s hiding in her house and, when the burglar
comes near her, she grabs the closest thing
she can find to protect herself. A candlestick?
No. A rolling pin? No. A table. -I took that table and I went to workin’ on him. [ Laughter ]
And guess what. The table broke. [ Laughter ]
She picked up a table and “Went to work on him” [ Laughter ]
and the table broke. Most people her age
are breaking hips. She’s breaking tables! [ Cheering and applause ]
So Willie clobbers this man with a table.
What next? -I’m runnin’ in the kitchen. There’s a bottle of baby
shampoo on the table. I grab the shampoo
and guess what. He’s still on the ground. In his face, all of it. The whole thing. [ Laughter ]
-[laughing] She blinded him with shampoo. Americans spend
$11 billion a year on guns and it turns out all we needed was some Johnson & Johnson. [ Cheering and applause ] You know? You know what stops
a bad guy with a gun? Apparently, an old lady
with a table and some shampoo. [ Laughter and applause ]
So, after the shampoo, did Willie stop
and show the guy some mercy? She did not. -And I got the broom
and he’s pullin’ the broom. And I’m hittin’ him. I’m hittin’ him with the broom,
hittin’ him. -She kicked a man’s ass
with shampoo and a broom! I don’t know if she’s single, but I bet I know one guy
who’s interested. [ Laughter and applause ] So, finally, after all that, the police arrived and put
the burglar in a cop car. I’m just kidding.
He was hurt so badly, [laughing] they had to put him
in an ambulance. [ Laughter ]
-‘Cause I had really did a number on that man. [ Laughter ]
I’m serious! I think he was happy
when he went in the ambulance. [ Laughter ]
-Oh, no, I’m sure. I’m sure he was, until he told [laughing]
the paramedics what happened and they laughed so hard, they had to give
themselves oxygen. [ Laughter ]
Despite the fact that this burglar
was caught red-handed, Willie is not pressing charges. And of course not.
She’s too busy pressing [laughing] 225. -Ooh!
-Plus, she wants that man
roaming the streets so she can find him
and kick his ass again. [ Laughter ]
This is the kind of story
we need right now. In superhero stories,
women are usually insignificant side characters,
but in this story, Willie Murphy is the superhero. She saved the day
and she did it with a kind — a very kind — Christian attitude. -I said to myself,
“If it’s my time to go to hell, I’m takin’ him with me.” [ Cheering and applause ]
Merry, merry, Christmas. This has been “The Kind of Story
We Need Right Now.” ♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ]

About the author

Comments

  1. Now imagine this granny was in Infinity War…..poor Thanos….the only thing that snapped in that movie would have been his spine

  2. I love it!! "…I went to working on him…" I LOVE IT!! He'll never live that down, ha, got his ass kicked by an 82 year old woman. YES!! 418 thumbs down?? Seriously – what is wrong with those people?!

  3. This is a example of why u better respect your elders. Don't under estimate anyone. A friendly reminder. Nana don't play any ?.

  4. Would've been a fine story if you hadn't turned it into an anti-gun, anti-man propaganda piece.
    But, that's what I expected.

    Good on the woman, though.

  5. LOL Well, you're right. This is the kind of story we need right now. What a lovely character. You go, granny. I imagine the word will get around right quick not to mess with your crib again.

  6. God bless her soul ??and Thanks Seth. All this insane Trump words, and his constant projection!
    Oh yeah Merry F- Christmas to GOP! I have said Merry Christmas in a few thousand years!

  7. I'm also old and work out 5 times a week.  It's about time the youth sees that 60,70,80 and 90 are NOT push overs..BEWARE

  8. Guns are a necessity for some people, Most elderly women could use the help. But this gives me a lot of perspective on myself for sure! I’m 6 ft 115 and lean pure muscle, and I’m someone who feels the need to be armed all the time… but I think I’ll keep my weaponry, just have a little more understanding of how my muscles can do more damage than a bullet. The damage being that guy has the most shameful story ever for the rest of his life xD imagine that guy having to explain to his woman.. “ yeah I got beat senseless by an old woman..” Jeff.. don’t come home ? I need a man not a punching bag for old people xD

  9. Greatest story ever!Lady knows how to tell a story right,too.I like the fact he got his ass kicked (and it sounds like it hurt),than shot.Now he gets his ass kicked in jail, too.

  10. I hope I can be as strong and healthy as she is when I turn 82 years old, well, if I can be lucky enough to turn 82 years old…

  11. I would’ve thought she would say take him to heaven with her but she said hell. Hell is too hot for too long to be even joking about going there. Especially since we don’t have to go there. Thanks to Jesus’ death on the cross and resurrection.

  12. 'Come at me again', says Willie. If I were you, I'd think twice about crossing this old lady. She put this dumb ass in the hospital! Good for you, Willie! I never laughed so hard…

  13. This is why young black kids say yes ma'am and yes sir. This is their granny. My friends grandma's used to scare the hell out of me. I loved them though.

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