Yes, The Trump Presidency Is Just A TV Show We All Have To Live Through

Yes, The Trump Presidency Is Just A TV Show We All Have To Live Through


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. LET’S GET RIGHT TO IT. WE DON’T HAVE ANY TIME. WE DON’T HAVE A MINUTE TO WASTE
HERE. IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS. I’M BUSY, YOU’RE BUSY. I’VE GOT AN OVEN FULL OF
SNICKERDOODLES I HAVE TO FINISH THE MONOLOGUE
BEFORE THE TIMER GOES OFF. IT’S JUST AFTER SIX CLRKS AS WE
SPEAK, THE FULL HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IS STILL
DEBATING THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT. THEY HAVEN’T VOTED YET, BUT I’M
ABOUT TO GO ON VACATION, SO I’M JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND CALL
IT NOW. TONIGHT, FOR ONLY THE THIRD TIME
IN U.S. HISTORY, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES VOTED TO IMPEACH
A SITTING PRESIDENT, DONALD J. TRUMP.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS. AGAIN, THEY HAVEN’T ACTUALLY
VOTED YET. AND IF WE WAKE UP TOMORROW AND
IT TURNS OUT I’M WRONG, I WILL ISSUE A SEVERE APOLOGY FROM
MARGARITAVILLE. I’M COMING BACK. I’LL GIVE YOU ALL THE DETAILS IN
THIS VERY SPECIAL INSTALLMENT OF “DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH.”>>CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? IT’S TODAY! IT’S TODAY! IT’S UNBELIEVABLE.>>Stephen: NOW, LIKE I SAID,
TRUMP’S ONLY THE THIRD PRESIDENT TO BE IMPEACHED, AND THE FOURTH
TO HAVE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT DRAWN UP AGAINST HIM. BUT HERE’S THE THING: I’M 55
THREE OF THOSE IMPEACHMENTS HAVE HAPPENED DURING MY LIFETIME. FOR THE FOURTH ONE, YOU HAVE TO
GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO 1868 AND ANDREW JOHNSON, WHOSE SENATE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL WAS, OF COURSE, CONDUCTED BY CHUCK
SCHUMER AND MITCH McCONNELL.( LAUGHTER )
SERIOUSLY, GUYS! MOVE ON! MAKE ROOM FOR YOUNG BLOOD! TODAY, THE HOUSE GAVE THEMSELVES
SIX HOURS OF FLOOR DEBATE TO DECIDE ON IMPEACHMENT. SIX HOURS? THAT’S A LONG TIME TO LET BOTH
SIDES REPEAT THE SAME STUFF THEY’VE BEEN SAYING FOR MONTHS. IT’S LIKE HAVING TO–
( APPLAUSE )
THERE IT IS. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. IT’S LIKE HAVING TO LISTEN
TO YOUR GRANDFATHER TELL THE SAME STORY YOU’VE BEEN HEARING
YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. “GRANDPA, NO ONE BELIEVES THAT
YOU DID OVER-THE-CLOTHES STUFF WITH BETTY PAGE!”
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IN HER OPENING STATEMENT,
NANCY PELOSI MADE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS SHE’S REAL SAD ABOUT THIS.>>VERY SADLY NOW, OUR
FOUNDER’S VISION OF A REPUBLIC IS UNDER THREAT FROM ACTIONS
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. SADLY, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE
WITNESSED FURTHER WRONGS OF THE PRESIDENT. TODAY IS A NATIONAL CIVICS
LESSON, THOUGH A SAD ONE. I SOLEMNLY AND SADLY OPEN THE
DEBATE ON THE IMPEACHMENT OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.>>Stephen: (AS PELOSI)
“BUT, FIRST, SADLY, WE ARE SOLEMNLY SAD, ABOUT THE SOLEMN,
SAD, SOMLENESS THAT IS THIS SAD, SAD, SOLEMN SAD DAY. SAD.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S HER, NOT ME. THAT’S HER. BUT THE AWARD FOR MOST “HUH?”
IMPEACHMENT TAKE IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES GOES TO
GEORGIA REPUBLICAN AND MAN WHOSE LAST NAME DESCRIBES HIM
PERFECTLY, BARRY LOUDERMILK. LOUDERMILK MADE THIS COMPARISON:
>>BEFORE YOU TAKE THIS HISTORIC VOTE TODAY, ONE WEEK BEFORE
CHRISTMAS, I WANT YOU TO KEEP THIS IN MIND: WHEN JESUS WAS
FALSELY ACCUSED OF TREASON, PONTIUS PILATE GAVE JESUS THE
OPPORTUNITY TO FACE HIS ACCUSERS. DURING THAT SHAM TRIAL, PONTIUS
PILATE AFFORDED MORE RIGHTS TO JESUS THAN THE DEMOCRATS HAVE
AFFORDED THIS PRESIDENT.>>Audience: OOOOOH!>>Stephen: REALLY? YOU’RE GOING TO COMPARE DONALD
TRUMP TO JESUS CHRIST?( LAUGHTER )
MAY I REMIND YOU, JESUS NEVER HAD TO CUT A CHECK TO KEEP MARY
MAGDALENE QUIET.( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAVE THAT RIGHT, RIGHT? I HAVE THAT RIGHT, RIGHT?>>Jon: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. THAT NEVER HAPPENED, NO.>>Stephen: REPRESENTATIVE LOUIE
GOHMERT TOOK A MORE NEGATIVE VIEW OF THE PROCEEDING.>>THIS COUNTRY’S END IS NOW IN
SIGHT. I HOPE I DON’T LIVE TO SEE IT.>>Stephen: WOW, THAT’S A BOLD
STATEMENT. BUT IT EXPLAINS HIS REELECTION
SLOGAN: “GOHMERT 2020: TAKE ME, DEATH.”( APPLAUSE )
DUMB, THE GUY IT DUMB. HE JUST PLAIN, OLD DUMB, BABY. TRUMP IS REACTING TO THE
IMPEACHMENT NEWS WITH HIS USUAL CALM AND MEASURED RANTING. YESTERDAY, HE SENT AN ANGRY
SIX-PAGE SCREED DIRECTED AT NANCY PELOSI. AND TODAY HE PASSED THAT RANT
OUT TO EVERY MEMBER OF CONGRESS INSIDE A MASSIVE
CHRISTMAS CARD.( LAUGHTER )
THAT THING IS THE SIZE OF A CHEESECAKE FACTORY MENU! WHICH MAKES SOME SENSE, SINCE
BOTH FEATURE AN “ORANGE CHICKEN.” ARE THE CARD, THE CARD IS
SIGNED–( APPLAUSE )
THE CARD IS SIGNED BY, LET’S SEE, IT LOOKS LIKE THAT
SAYS PRESIDENT “AMNANHUNMUN” AND FIRST LADY “WHAAA JIMMY.” THE PRESIDENT DIDN’T STOP WITH
“ANGRY SCREED” AND “COMICALLY OVERSIZED CARD,” BECAUSE HE
ALSO INCLUDED A SECOND, SMALLER CHRISTMAS CARD. CARDS WITHIN CARDS! IT’S LIKE A RUSSIAN DOLL–
WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS TRUMP’S SECRET SERVICE NICKNAME.( LAUGHTER )
THAT WASN’T–( APPLAUSE )
THAT WASN’T TRUMP’S ONLY DESPERATE CRY FOR HELP. THIS MORNING HE TWEETED, “CAN
YOU BELIEVE THAT I WILL BE IMPEACHED TODAY BY THE RADICAL
LEFT, DO-NOTHING DEMOCRATS, AND I DID NOTHING WRONG! A TERRIBLE THING. READ THE TRANSCRIPTS. THIS SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO
ANOTHER PRESIDENT AGAIN. SAY A PRAYER!”
( LAUGHTER )
YES, NOTHING, NOCT–
( APPLAUSE )
NOTHING SAYS CONFIDENCE QUITE
LIKE SAY A PRAYER.” A STATE TROOPER PULLS YOU OVER,
YOU’RE COMPLETELY INNOCENT, SO YOU SCREAM AT THE OTHER
MOTORISTS “PRAY FOR ME!”( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: OH, MAN, WOW.>>Stephen: TRUMP PROBABLY WILL
BOUNCE BACK. ACCORDING TO ONE FORMER AIDE,
TRUMP IS “THE MOST RESILIENT POLITICIAN THE COUNTRY HAS EVER
SEEN.” OKAY, NOT TO BE ALL “TEDDY
ROOSEVELT GOT SHOT,” BUT TEDDY ROOSEVELT GOT SHOT, AND THEN
FINISHED THE SPEECH HE WAS GIVING. TRUMP GETS WINDED CARRYING AN
UMBRELLA UP A STAIRCASE.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THE AIDE THINKS– THIS AIDE–
THIS UNNAMED AIDE, THINKS NONE OF US– NONE OF US WILL BE THAT
AFFECTED BY ANY OF THIS, PREDICTING “WE’LL JUST WAKE UP
THURSDAY AFTER THIS ABSURD IMPEACHMENT VOTE AND SAY,’ WELL,
THAT WAS QUITE A SEASON THREE FINALE. WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN IN SEASON
FOUR’?” YES, THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY IS
JUST A TV SHOW WE ALL HAVE TO LIVE THROUGH. I CALL IT “THE WORST WING.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I MISS THAT SHOW. I LOVE THAT GREEN VELVET. WHAT IS IT A FOREST GREEN,
MOSSY? I LOVE IT. ONCE TRUMP IS IMPEACHED, THE
CASE MOVES TO THE SENATE, LED BY MAJORITY LEADER AND
CLINICALLY-DEPRESSED SCROTUM, MITCH McCONNELL.( LAUGHTER )
HAD TROUBLE SAYING HIS NAME AFTER THAT ONE.( LAUGHTER )
McCONNELL HAS A SIMPLE PLAN FOR THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL– NO
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL. BUT McCONNELL COULD LOSE CONTROL
OF THE PROCEEDINGS IF FOUR REPUBLICANS VOTE WITH DEMOCRATS
TO ALLOW WITNESSES. ONE OF THE LIKELY SUSPECTS TO
GROW A SPINE IS UTAH SENATOR MITT ROMNEY, SEEN HERE
QUESTIONING HIS LIFE CHOICES.( LAUGHTER )
WHEN ROMNEY WAS ASKED HIS OPINION ON CALLING ADDITIONAL
WITNESSES, HE SAID, “IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T HAVE ANY POINT OF
VIEW, IT’S JUST THAT I’M NOT WILLING TO SHARE THAT POINT OF
VIEW TILL I’VE HAD THE CHANCE TO TALK TO OTHERS AND GET THEIR
PERSPECTIVES.” OH, COURAGE. IT’S JUST LIKE AT THE END OF THE
MOVIE WHEN THE ROMANS ARE ABOUT TO CRUCIFY KIRK DOUGLAS, AND
THEN TONY CURTIS STANDS UP AND GOES, “IT’S NOT THAT I’M NOT
SPARTACUS. I’M JUST NOT WILLING TO
SHARE WHETHER I’M SPARTACUS. FIRST, I WANT TO TALK TO THESE
OTHER GUYS AND FIND OUT IF ANY OF THEM ARE SPARTACUS. ANYONE? NOPE. ALL RIGHT, I’LL SIT DOWN NOW.”( DING )
OH! MY SNICKERDOODLES ARE DONE! HOLD ON ONE SECOND. HERE WE GO. HOT STUFF! HOT STUFF! AH! THERE YOU GO!( APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! CHARLIZE THERON IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, RUDY
GIULIANI WILL JOIN US. OH, YEAH. COME ON! HOT STUFF! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )

About the author

Comments

  1. He won’t be kicked out of office, the Senate will never let that happen. This has just been a huge waste of time for the liberal cry babies who have been butthurt since November 2016.

  2. 2020=1776.2
    Obama’s CIA, DOJ & FBI spied on Trump in 2015 & then worked to prevent POTUS from winning the election with counter-intelligence & later orchestrated a "dossier" coup to overthrow an elected gov't & remove him from office!

  3. You and the propaganda media are the reason and spreaders of hate. Con artists like you need to get humbled. Your complacent attitude reserves bad karma for you, Dems and your loved ones. You shmuck!

  4. Actually if Jesus claimed or was said to be "King of the Jews" then it was not a false accusation. As far as Rome was concerned it was a treasonous offence. So in fact you are saying Trump should be scourged and Crucified to which I agree.

  5. Chalize Theron AND Rudy Giuliani on the same show!?!
    That's like fine wine and old milk. You guys are just nuts. Tell you what. I'll stay for half the show. Now, don't mess with me about this!

  6. idk if people see this but colbert gots something against john the piano man …the min john says something colbert has a not very good look…hey john keep ur sence and be honery

  7. So Republican defence are referring to fairy tales? Talking about desperate lol And btw you cant tell me this is Melanias handwriting. Or she was forced to write it for hours until it matches the pumpkins handwriting

  8. Well, Rep. Loudermilk, if you ever read your Bible, you would know that Christ was accused and convicted of several crimes, but technically, treason wans't really among them. If anything, it was the least of the crimes Christ was accused of. But don't let facts get in the way of a good political rant.

  9. Jesus whas whipped, spit on, had a crown of thorns smashed down on his head, was forced to drag a 300lb cross up a steep hill, was nailed to it while still alive and was stabbed in the guts with a spear. Ttump can't even walk down a flight of stairs…..

  10. Let’s see… Jesus was a refugee born into poverty and lived in poverty throughout his life who went out of his way to show compassion to those who needed it most, associated with beggars and social outcasts, repeatedly emphasised the virtue of spiritual goodness over wealth or societal status, claimed it was easier for a literally physical impossibility to occur than for a rich man to get into heaven, forgave those who betrayed and ultimately killed him and refused to plead his innocence or beg for his life at all.

    Wow! Such bigly similarities to Trump I’m shocked we never saw it before…

  11. Okay, but you have to admit it was a pretty impressive "Fuck You" by Trump to deliver that screed of his in a giant Christmas card, like an angry employee sending a passive-aggressive letter of resignation a week before Christmas. I can't even be mad about that. Republicans can't even be mad about that. Nobody can be mad about that.

  12. I don't know why you are so excited he's getting impeached? Cause seeing that Trump is all you talk about you will be out of a job after he goes out of office!

  13. Don't even talk about Jesus and Trump. One is made up and the other we all wish was made up. If those are the types of 'real world examples' he lives by, he needs to go back to Inbreederville in the South and not be in politics.

  14. Trump is just the latest in the line of Caesar-like GOP presidents who bent and broke the law.

    He is a distilled intensification of Nixon, Ford, Bush, Bush.

  15. Stephen Colbert: Jesus was tried for claiming to be the Messiah. Not for sexual assault !

    Trump-pa-rump-drumpf…….The little trumpturd boy..

  16. Didn't Pontious Pilate have Jesus tortured and mocked too? So far we've only mocked Trump, so let me know when the C-Span torture starts (though technically the Republican defence of Trump has been tortuous and arduous at best).

  17. THERE IS NO GOD………JUST AN ANTIQUATED MYTH THAT WAS DESIGNED TO CONTROL AND INFLUENCE HUMAN BEHAVIOR…….IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD YOU ARE INTELLECTUALLY INFERIOR AND FALL SHORT OF THE EVOLUTIONARY REQUIREMENTS THAT MAKE A HUMAN REASONABLE. COLBERT IS A WACK JOB A FUCKING CHRISTIAN NUT, DON'T LET HIM FOOL YOU, HE IS A RIGHT WING FUNDAMENTALIST!!!! WHAT A SHIT HEAD AND A LOSER!!!! AND QUIT STEALING SETH MEYERS BIT WITH THE TRUMP IMPERSONATIONS!!!! FUCKTARD!!!!

  18. Obviously, Loudermilk does not know what a sham trial Jesus had ,and he knows nothing about the history of Roman law! Trump has placated upon the law more than any criminal in American history!

  19. Trump is the most resilient politician the country has ever seen? So that is what this weird skin color is named? Resilient Mango?

  20. Conservatives uses Jesus when it is convenient to them lol. Such bs. Jesus would have had more empathy towards the families seperated…… also love how the Orange calls over half your country Radical Left. Uuuhm ok.

  21. You know nothing. Jesus was asked to write a cheque so that they can stay quite. Jesus said, ' You'll have to wait till 21st century when banks open. Till then here's some wine, loaf of bread etc, etc. Mr. President is only asking for 4 more years. Harder than you, Jesus. Puuuuuurummpuruum.

  22. Say what you want about Trump, but he's the reason Stephen Colbert has this job. He has to obsess about the president due to lack of creativity for another 5 years.

  23. When trump is finally “impeached” (served full term) the news stations stocks will plummet from lack of views. Nothin left to talk about.

  24. Trump conspired with foreign powers to gain a political advantage. Jesus was a grassroots movement that sought to challenge foreign rule in Jerusalem.

  25. I can't believe so many people are applauding the beginning of the death of America. Socialism will eventually triumph and the children and grandchildren of all these mindless people will suffer immeasurably. The impeachment never proved anything, and is not about what the whole process started over the day after Trump embarrassed the democratic machine. So many puppets brought up on socialist education now coming to seed.

  26. no but clinton did alot of woman an you DEMOCRATES DID NOT CARE NOTAT ALL. pOOR MONICA DOWN ON HER KNEES IN THE OVAL OFFICE A DEAR POOR YOUNG GIRL

  27. Imagine getting paid for this!!!? (Net worth 45 Million) 15 Million a year!!
    An getting a vacation?
    Imagine getting a vacation three weeks after the last one??
    I love Steve….But holy shit, must be nice!! I would have a happy/Merry capital-xmas an thanksgiving!!!

    Happy holidays people.
    -PEACE!

  28. Are we just going to ignore how “Melania’s” signature looks exactly like Trump’s handwriting? ? is that a sign of a remarkably controlling husband or forgery?

  29. https://youtu.be/JP_vhf3W7lU
    Totally agreed with this, although i like stephen's satire/comedy but the moral compass of general Americans is lost in their colon somwhere…stephen should do better…

  30. Opinions abound…

    What are you guys going to do when he wins in November 2020?

    Do you burn it all down? Cut off your nose just to piss off your face?

    Give it some thought. The clock is ticking…

  31. Same polls that had Hillary winning now all say trump will win 2020 and we know there’s no chance they can be wrong (right?)

  32. Yes Trump is annoying. He was hired to ruffle the feathers of the corrupt politicians. Mission accomplished! But name the who, what, where, why or how for impeachment. You can't. Name the Russian or Ukrainian, as well as the time and place, he sabotaged the election. Name the time or place any crime took place. Nobody can! You can't impeach just because you don't like somebody. The end!

  33. He is not going to stop being president. The decision has to go to the Senate and go through a trial. Only way to get him out is to vote. So vote! Many people didn't vote in 2016

  34. Sad. I used to like the Colbert Report. But since Trump became president, Steven has just become a sad, sad person. Apparently Steven noticed a ratings boost when he started bashing Trump, so he decided to make it his new schtick, because he new suckers would just eat it up. But, now even the suckers are getting bored with it and his ratings have plummeted. America is just tired of this routine.

  35. "May I remind you, Jesus never had to cut a check to keep Mary Magdeline quiet." Holy… Holy wow. This is one of the most poignant and funny as hell lines…

  36. Your Jokes about President Trump are as lame as the Democratic party, Your side lost Now wake the hell up and finally do something for once dummycrats!

  37. Remember three years ago when news shows, comedians, political leaders, celebrities, and pundits all had their finger on the pulse of America and they truly knew us?

    Here's a reminder.
    https://youtu.be/G87UXIH8Lzo

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